2. Serving.
The second ingredient to being satisfied, fulfilled and content is living a life of service.
I’m writing this section four days before Christmas. Earlier today my husband and I picked up the last few Christmas presents and we feel relieved, done AND happy! We can’t wait to give these presents and see smiles on faces. There is something about giving that brings so much life, so much joy. Oh, it’s tough on the flesh sometimes. It costs money, time, energy to give and we don’t’ always instantly feel like paying the price, but in the end, we are so much happier than if we withheld the blessing and opted for personal comfort. I’m convinced of it, human beings were created to be givers, and when we don’t, when we succumb to selfishness, we are relieved temporarily, but become miserable long term.
One of the best stories of serving, or course, is found in the book of Ruth. We know the story: she chose to serve God and her mother in law rather than staying in Moab where she was more likely to get re-married. So she chose a life of hard labor and poverty in order to obey the stirrings of her heart. We also know the end of the story: Boaz noticed her labor of love and married her! Almost overnight, she went from being a poor widow to a wealthy land-owner and the great grandmother of King David!
I can relate to that story. After graduating from college, I felt like God wanted me to stay in my college community and serve in my church; this was and is a small, predominantly white area, full of married men and families. Not a great place for a young, hip, African American, single woman! Nevertheless, I obeyed the promptings of my heart, comforting myself that it would probably only be a year and then I could move on to bigger and better things. Well, 17 years later I was still in that community and still single! Every year, I struggled with my decision to stay. Every year I wondered if I had missed the boat and ruined any chance of ever marrying. But every year, I felt the same, annoying conviction that I was to stay put. Well, all of a sudden as I faced my 39th birthday, my future husband came walking through the doors of our church. He knew right away that I was the one and started pursuing me instantly. And guess what he found most attractive? My years of service at the church! He admired me for choosing ministry over a more typical career path and living in such a small community simply because God told me to. That more than anything caused him to sit up and take notice. And he is perfect for me in everyway. Definitely worth the wait!
My heart always resonated with Ruth and now I know why.
Let me say this, it is in the context of serving that you discover your gifts and talents. As you give – even when it hurts – you discover and eliminate possibilities. As you serve, people around you will see hints of the bigger picture and confirm thoughts and desires. If you want to find your life, then lose it; give it away, let it go.
Now, I have seen singles run themselves ragged babysitting 400 kids, teaching in Sunday school every Sunday, cooking for every sick friend and setting up chairs past midnight. This is a quick way to be miserable, simply from exhaustion and fatigue. I think singles should be available, but also prayerful about what God would have them do. People often have an agenda for our lives different from God’s. We need His wisdom, which will be confirmed in our hearts and by close friends, so that we don’t spend precious years doing good things, rather than the best things.
3. Being Connected
God places the solitary in families. Ps. 68:6.
I believe it is crucial for single people to be closely connected to families and other singles. Shortly after I started college, a church family “adopted” me into their family. They had me over for dinners, allowed me to sleep over when I was sick of dorm life and helped me to navigate through classes that challenged my faith. They also demonstrated a healthy family and a strong marriage. And they cured me of a lot of selfishness. Many times I went over to dump out my woes, only to be interrupted 50 times by their 3 year old (who is now lovely, 25 and a close friend!). As my world was coming to an end, their daughter needed to be disciplined, or comforted or instructed and I had to …. Wait! I soon learned that I wasn’t the center of the universe after all, which was a crucial lesson for a young, self-focused college student. Over the years, God added several others to this circle of friends and these families and singles have enriched my life tremendously; I don’t know where I’d be without them. This rich spiritual heritage more than anything else made it possible to stay in such a small community all of these years.
These people have rebuked me, comforted me, spoken the truth in love, prayed for me, fasted for me and believed in me. They’ve confirmed major decisions and provided shoulders of comfort after break-ups and deep disappointments. We’re not made to go through life alone.
I don’t believe in lone-ranger Christians. From the very beginning of time God said, “It is not good for man (or woman) to be alone” (Gen 2:18). I will discuss this further in Part III, but let me just say here, I believe this is referring to God’s plan for marriage. After all, God did not then create a best buddy, Steve, for Adam. He created a woman, a wife, EVE, for Adam! And I believe this is one of the reasons singles can feel free to storm the gates of heaven, beseeching God for a mate. I think He intends most people to be married and if we desire that, we should not grow passive or apathetic but state our case regularly, even as the persistent widow in Luke 18. However, this is not the only relationship we are meant to have. After Eve came on the scene, soon there were children, and then tribes and then communities. As human beings, we have a great capacity for relationships, both with God and with people, and we will ever be incomplete without them.
This is true for men and women. Though it is easier, in general, for women to have transparent friendships, men need them as well. If a man or woman does not have a close (same-sex) friend, a family member they spend Christmas with, a pastor they confide in, or the like, I would not advise dating them.
The man who isolates himself seeks his own desire and rages against wise judgment (Prov 18:1).
Isolated men and women are selfish (except perhaps for some shut-ins who perhaps are victims of isolation), and I would not suggest being the one and only person he/she talks to on a deep level. It takes humility to have friends, and selflessness to keep them – 2 qualities we should desire in ourselves and the one we marry.
People are social, relational creatures. We do better when we’re connected to others.
And iron still sharpens iron.
4. Having emotional and spiritual maturity
The last ingredient for contentment is emotional and spiritual maturity. The ability to communicate with people, deal with conflict, empathize, sympathize, make decisions, give selflessly without praise… All of these and more contribute to emotional and spiritual maturity. This might sound like a contradiction to #3, but the ability to be alone is also key. We should be well connected to others, but can we also handle a Friday night alone or several Friday nights alone? Do we always need distraction, noise, activity, or can we handle solitude? Can we stand being alone with our thoughts, set personal goals and fill the hours of a Saturday afternoon with worth-while activities – alone? Jesus himself spent time with the masses, time with a few and time alone. That’s a good model for us. We need those quiet hours to hear God’s voice, convicting us, instructing us, comforting us and loving us; these words go deep to our core and bring profound change.
Spiritual maturity also means the ability to fight our own battles, wage our own warfare, petition our own judge (Luke 18), travail for our own needs. Yes, we need the humility to seek a friend or a pastor when we’re struggling and ask for prayer, but we also need the ability to stand on our own two feet and help ourselves! Do we know how to speak to our own souls and encourage our own selves in the Lord?
I remember going up for prayer one Sunday after the service. As I stood there waiting for someone to come and lay hands on me and pray a voice said to me, “You should be praying for others by now, rather seeking prayer again and again.” I think that was a small rebuke from the Lord. I had been saved a long time and knew in my head how to pray, how to do warfare, how to intercede… I knew it all, but didn’t do any of it. When I felt discouraged (which was often), I instantly went for help and had inadvertently trained myself to rely on other peoples’ faith rather than my own. That was the last time I went up for prayer for many years. After that, I began to learn to talk to my soul like David, “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance” (Ps 42:5). Even if we have the best spouse and friends in the world, there will be times when no one is around and the Enemy of our soul will close in on us. At that moment, we’ll either shrink back in fear or we’ll stand our ground and win our private war.
I believe every Christian who wants an abundant life has to learn how to get his or her needs met in God. We need people, but we need God more and at the end of the day, He wants us dependent on Him alone.
For some reason, God wanted me to learn these keys to contentment and fulfillment before I got married – and so I didn’t marry until 2 weeks before my 40th birthday. (And, of course, I haven’t learned them all yet – some of these are life-long lessons!) Others get married younger and learn them along the way, in the context of their marriages. They learn as married people that they have purpose beyond being a spouse and parent, they learn how to serve, live in community and to stand on their own two feet. They learn that their husbands or wives can’t be everything to them and that their joy and contentment come from God alone. Some never learn these things and live frustrated, unfulfilled lives – regardless of whether they are single or married!
I don’t know why some people get the “marry young” script and others get the “wait” script – but I do know that God is GOOD; His ways are not our ways, but they are the BEST ways and one day, you will see the wisdom of the script He handed you.
Stay tuned for the last part, Part III of Singlehood: a blessing or a curse?!
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Singlehood: a blessing or a curse?! Part I
Eighteen years ago I faced the cold, hard truth that I was graduating from college with no boyfriend and no prospects. Many of my friends would receive both a diploma and a diamond on that joyous June day and I looked forward only to the piece of paper. My singleness obscured any sense of accomplishment. So about a month after the fact, I sat sobbing on the edge of my bed, envisioning spinster-hood, despair growing by the moment. My good friend, who married at the ripe young age of 22, sat next to me, searching for something to say. All of a sudden, a flash of brilliance struck and she ran for her Bible. In a moment, she returned with it and found in the back a yellowed, torn life-changing piece of paper. Here is what it read:
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone - to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to the Christian, says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone. I love you, my child and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me - exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing - one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you - just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things - keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you ... you must wait.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And, then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me...and this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied.
I can quote most of that by heart. That summer day in my bedroom, those words came like cool lemonade to my soul. Little did I know that I too would carry this paper around with me for eighteen years as the Lover of my Soul made the words real in my heart.
What does it mean to be satisfied, fulfilled and content? Can we really find satisfaction in God alone? I doubted it at first, but over the years, I grew to see that this is God’s desire for every person, and some learn it before they marry and some learn it within their marriages, but all must learn it sometime in some way. I’ve also realized that even though God wants us to be content in Him, He also wants most of us married. So how do we achieve this happy state, even though all the while we’re yearning for the companionship of a spouse? How do we hold all of this in balance? I'm going to discuss 4 ingredients to becoming fulfilled and then talk about what to do with our longings while we wait!
Four ingredients of being satisfied, fulfilled and content:
1. Believe you have a destiny bigger than marriage.
A lot of singles are in a holding pattern. Even though they’re working and even serving in the church, they have a hard time thinking about the bigger picture of their lives. I remember the day I was, for the 400th time, bemoaning single hood. Another good friend (who also married enviously young) challenged me, “Nicole, what else do you want to be besides a wife? What does your life look like outside of the home?” I sat dumb; I couldn’t answer her! I always knew in my head that life was multifaceted, but now I knew it in my heart. I was created to be more than a wife – and just being a wife would not fulfill me, in and of itself. That conversation sobered me and propelled me to take a hold of the garment of Jesus and beseech him:
What have you called me to do? What have you made me to do? What can I do uniquely that no one else can do?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t bought into the feminist ideal of the 70’s and 80’s that a woman should “bring home the bacon,” by day, turn into Supermom in the evening and then transform one more time into a sexy, supportive wife at night. I never thought I could do it all – and I don’t really advocate women trying to do it all.
Nevertheless, that day I realized that even though I desperately wanted to get married, my life was to be about more than domestic bliss.
In general, however, the Church world doesn’t help. The family is so highly esteemed that with no effort at all, one can conclude that life before marriage is suboptimal living; it’s a winter season to be prayed through, cursed and left behind as quickly as possible.
Family has become an idol in the church and being a wife and mother is considered the highest calling. The church has reacted to the feminist movement that exalted career over family and really just did the same thing in reverse: exalted family over everything else. People revealed their hearts all the time when through the years, amidst every trial, they said it was “preparation for marriage.” If I struggled with a roommate, this was good preparation for marriage. If I served selflessly, this was good preparation for marriage. If I learned how to cook, clean and keep a nice home, this was good preparation for marriage. If I learned how to dress attractively, this was good preparation for marriage! It was as if everything in life was pointing to that pinnacle called MARRIAGE. That was the finish line and the END.
Looking back on all those things now, I think a more accurate statement would be that they were good preparation for loving people; they do help me to be a better wife, but that was not the sole purpose of those lessons.
Now, this is a radical statement, but I don’t think being a wife and mother or a husband and a father is the highest calling. I think the highest calling for your life and mine is to be in the will of God.
If you are single the goal for you right now is to figure out why you were created, and move forward with a sense of purpose.
When you get married, your highest call will still be walking in the will of God –which will then include being the best wife, the best husband, the best mother, the best father you can be, but it will still include more.
If your life ends at the altar, if you get married and just settle back and settle in; if you stop pursuing God and cease investing the talents that he’s given you, you will fall short of the purpose for which you were born. You will become stale. And your marriage will suffer.
When my husband and I were engaged, we asked several happily married couples, what their secret was to a good marriage. One man said, “My wife is so interesting! I love to see her speak up front; I’m just so proud of her!” (His wife is the director of a crisis pregnancy center who often speaks at churches and fundraisers.) Their kids are grown and gone, and she has not settled into a humdrum life. She’s kept growing and He’s discovering new dimensions of her! Her life stays current and fresh and so his love for her is also current and fresh.
Our lives should be moving, dynamic, anointed, and that CAN’T start when we get married; it has to start now!
Once you get a glimpse of the bigger picture, this will help focus your time and attention and give you purpose and goals other than catching a mate. By my late twenties, I had realized that God was calling me to be a writer and speaker; He wanted to use my mouth and my pen to communicate the truths of His Word and encourage His people. Then this was confirmed when I spoke in my first conference overseas. I was in Ghana, West Africa at a women’s conference, and as I stood at the podium, ministering to hundreds of beautiful women, I felt like I had come home; this is what I was born to do. Similar to Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire, “I feel God’s pleasure when I (speak).”
I didn’t know how opportunities would come, but I did know that those single years were prime time to invest in the talents God had given me. I had enough married friends to know that I had more time on my hands than they did. I knew that evenings free of distraction and quiet Saturday afternoons were a luxury and that I should invest some of those hours honing skills and pressing into God. I determined to be ready in season and out of season and I spent many evenings with my Bible and my laptop open, praying, taking notes and receiving revelation. I had purpose and this guided my use of time.
If you have no idea what your destiny is, let me ask you this, what has God put in your hand? Like the boy with the fishes and loaves, if you offer even small things to God, he can multiple them and use them to feed multitudes. So, can you write, play an instrument, sing, organize, teach, cook, research, build or sew?
NOW is the time to discover gifts, no matter how small, and begin to invest in them. NOW is the time to ask the Father for a bigger picture of your life and guidance to work towards it.
My only caveat is this: don’t limit God. Remember, a single man wrote half of the New Testament (Paul)! God wants to use you to change history: perhaps not world history, but the history of a child, a church, a community, a family or an office. What He is calling you to is life-changing for someone somewhere, and it is vital that you discover it. Your mate will come along side you and compliment the work you are already doing. He or she will add to it and make it better, but there is much for you to do in the meantime.
As Israel Houghton sings, “No limits! No boundaries!”
Stay tuned for Part II of Singlehood: a blessing or a curse?!
On His Plan for Your Mate
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone - to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to the Christian, says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone. I love you, my child and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me - exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing - one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you - just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things - keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you ... you must wait.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And, then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me...and this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied.
I can quote most of that by heart. That summer day in my bedroom, those words came like cool lemonade to my soul. Little did I know that I too would carry this paper around with me for eighteen years as the Lover of my Soul made the words real in my heart.
What does it mean to be satisfied, fulfilled and content? Can we really find satisfaction in God alone? I doubted it at first, but over the years, I grew to see that this is God’s desire for every person, and some learn it before they marry and some learn it within their marriages, but all must learn it sometime in some way. I’ve also realized that even though God wants us to be content in Him, He also wants most of us married. So how do we achieve this happy state, even though all the while we’re yearning for the companionship of a spouse? How do we hold all of this in balance? I'm going to discuss 4 ingredients to becoming fulfilled and then talk about what to do with our longings while we wait!
Four ingredients of being satisfied, fulfilled and content:
1. Believe you have a destiny bigger than marriage.
A lot of singles are in a holding pattern. Even though they’re working and even serving in the church, they have a hard time thinking about the bigger picture of their lives. I remember the day I was, for the 400th time, bemoaning single hood. Another good friend (who also married enviously young) challenged me, “Nicole, what else do you want to be besides a wife? What does your life look like outside of the home?” I sat dumb; I couldn’t answer her! I always knew in my head that life was multifaceted, but now I knew it in my heart. I was created to be more than a wife – and just being a wife would not fulfill me, in and of itself. That conversation sobered me and propelled me to take a hold of the garment of Jesus and beseech him:
What have you called me to do? What have you made me to do? What can I do uniquely that no one else can do?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t bought into the feminist ideal of the 70’s and 80’s that a woman should “bring home the bacon,” by day, turn into Supermom in the evening and then transform one more time into a sexy, supportive wife at night. I never thought I could do it all – and I don’t really advocate women trying to do it all.
Nevertheless, that day I realized that even though I desperately wanted to get married, my life was to be about more than domestic bliss.
In general, however, the Church world doesn’t help. The family is so highly esteemed that with no effort at all, one can conclude that life before marriage is suboptimal living; it’s a winter season to be prayed through, cursed and left behind as quickly as possible.
Family has become an idol in the church and being a wife and mother is considered the highest calling. The church has reacted to the feminist movement that exalted career over family and really just did the same thing in reverse: exalted family over everything else. People revealed their hearts all the time when through the years, amidst every trial, they said it was “preparation for marriage.” If I struggled with a roommate, this was good preparation for marriage. If I served selflessly, this was good preparation for marriage. If I learned how to cook, clean and keep a nice home, this was good preparation for marriage. If I learned how to dress attractively, this was good preparation for marriage! It was as if everything in life was pointing to that pinnacle called MARRIAGE. That was the finish line and the END.
Looking back on all those things now, I think a more accurate statement would be that they were good preparation for loving people; they do help me to be a better wife, but that was not the sole purpose of those lessons.
Now, this is a radical statement, but I don’t think being a wife and mother or a husband and a father is the highest calling. I think the highest calling for your life and mine is to be in the will of God.
If you are single the goal for you right now is to figure out why you were created, and move forward with a sense of purpose.
When you get married, your highest call will still be walking in the will of God –which will then include being the best wife, the best husband, the best mother, the best father you can be, but it will still include more.
If your life ends at the altar, if you get married and just settle back and settle in; if you stop pursuing God and cease investing the talents that he’s given you, you will fall short of the purpose for which you were born. You will become stale. And your marriage will suffer.
When my husband and I were engaged, we asked several happily married couples, what their secret was to a good marriage. One man said, “My wife is so interesting! I love to see her speak up front; I’m just so proud of her!” (His wife is the director of a crisis pregnancy center who often speaks at churches and fundraisers.) Their kids are grown and gone, and she has not settled into a humdrum life. She’s kept growing and He’s discovering new dimensions of her! Her life stays current and fresh and so his love for her is also current and fresh.
Our lives should be moving, dynamic, anointed, and that CAN’T start when we get married; it has to start now!
Once you get a glimpse of the bigger picture, this will help focus your time and attention and give you purpose and goals other than catching a mate. By my late twenties, I had realized that God was calling me to be a writer and speaker; He wanted to use my mouth and my pen to communicate the truths of His Word and encourage His people. Then this was confirmed when I spoke in my first conference overseas. I was in Ghana, West Africa at a women’s conference, and as I stood at the podium, ministering to hundreds of beautiful women, I felt like I had come home; this is what I was born to do. Similar to Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire, “I feel God’s pleasure when I (speak).”
I didn’t know how opportunities would come, but I did know that those single years were prime time to invest in the talents God had given me. I had enough married friends to know that I had more time on my hands than they did. I knew that evenings free of distraction and quiet Saturday afternoons were a luxury and that I should invest some of those hours honing skills and pressing into God. I determined to be ready in season and out of season and I spent many evenings with my Bible and my laptop open, praying, taking notes and receiving revelation. I had purpose and this guided my use of time.
If you have no idea what your destiny is, let me ask you this, what has God put in your hand? Like the boy with the fishes and loaves, if you offer even small things to God, he can multiple them and use them to feed multitudes. So, can you write, play an instrument, sing, organize, teach, cook, research, build or sew?
NOW is the time to discover gifts, no matter how small, and begin to invest in them. NOW is the time to ask the Father for a bigger picture of your life and guidance to work towards it.
My only caveat is this: don’t limit God. Remember, a single man wrote half of the New Testament (Paul)! God wants to use you to change history: perhaps not world history, but the history of a child, a church, a community, a family or an office. What He is calling you to is life-changing for someone somewhere, and it is vital that you discover it. Your mate will come along side you and compliment the work you are already doing. He or she will add to it and make it better, but there is much for you to do in the meantime.
As Israel Houghton sings, “No limits! No boundaries!”
Stay tuned for Part II of Singlehood: a blessing or a curse?!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Christian Dating
Jessica told everyone about the interview. This is what she had been praying for, hoping for, waiting for… An interview with a high teach software company; this would put her computer science degree to good use! The position sounded perfect on paper – and the pay and benefits more than she’d ever dreamed of. Why, she’d be making more than any of her peers; her days of meager, frugal living would finally be over. She bought her first power suit and made sure she looked perfect. Then, that Monday morning, she left with plenty of time to spare for her interview. She had done her homework and researched the company well – and it showed. The interview went perfectly, and she was sure the job was hers. They even took her to lunch afterward and spent a bundle on her meal. At the end, her potential boss, Mr. Jones, shook her hand and said, “That was wonderful, Jessica. You may be just the one for this position, but can you come back in a week for a second interview?” Jessica couldn’t completely hide her disappointment, but quickly regained hope and said, “Sure; I’ll be here!” When she got home, she called her family and friends giddy about the job. The next week, Jessica went back for the second interview, and then a third, and then a fourth. During one of the interviews, Mr. Jones even had her do some programming – to prove her skills. And then at the end of the day, he shook her hand, thanked her and asked her to come back for yet another interview.
This went on for six months.
Six months later, Jessica went back for her twenty-fifth interview, tired, discouraged, but managing to keep a modicum of hope alive. Over the past six months, Jessica had written a lot of software, did some significant trouble shooting and became privy to many of the companies internal issues. She had also been wined and dined by the president, office manager and several employees. They all had nothing but good to say about her, but they also never offered her the job. At the end of that day, Mr. Jones took her out to the nicest restaurant ever, and at meal’s end, he got up and he shook her hand and said, “Thank you so much for these last six months, Jessica. They’ve been very fruitful and we’ve enjoyed getting to know you. But I don’t think you’re the right person for the job. Have a nice day.” And with that, he walked out of the restaurant and out of her life forever.
Six months of interviews and nothing to show for it! The company had gotten some nice perks, but she was left empty handed. She consoled herself that she had learned a lot and had even made some new friends. And after a few weeks of mourning, she started her job search once again.
Soon, she got called for an interview at a very promising company. She wondered why this company had been interviewing for years and still hadn’t hired anyone for the position, but she chose hope, bought another new suit and walked forth with regained confidence.
If that story really happened, most of us would think Jessica a fool. How could she let herself be strung along and used for six months, giving her expertise to the company and receiving nothing in return? The company benefited, but she did not. And yet, that’s what modern dating looks like – and intelligent, capable men and women succumb to this system everyday.
We comfort ourselves saying, “Well, I learned a lot.” Or, “Well, we can still be friends…” But really, we’re just trying to make ourselves feel better for wasting months – or years – of our lives.
There is a better way.
The truth is, men and women who go through these cycles of relationships again and again become hard. There’s an innocence, a passion and a joy that is lost as hearts are repeatedly given away, used and broken.
We are forced to become more and more detached in order to survive. We’re told not to put too much of an emotional investment in new boyfriends or girlfriends – which inherently denies who we are (i.e. relational). Then a layer of emotional residue clouds our true selves and makes it all the harder for the next person to really find out who we are [1].
Believing that we can successfully guard our hearts from hurt through a maze of dating relationships is like believing that seat belts save lives in airplane crashes. Telling people to go through relationship after relationship and suppress their emotions is like telling someone to eat without taste buds. It is inherently impossible [2].
This is NOT WHAT GOD INTENDED for his sons and daughters!
Now, I’m going to drop a few bombs and here’s Bomb # 1:
Dating is a serious adult activity with a specific goal in mind: marriage [3]. Like the interview – the goal is to discover if you like the candidate or if you like the company and then get the job! The goal IS NOT to give or receive perks with no long-term intention of hiring.
In the past, it was shameful for a man to take a woman out more than 4-5 times and have no intention of marrying her.
The book of Proverbs talks a lot about the dangers of squandering one’s wealth. Well, the truth is, if you do squander it, chances are, you can get it back. There are lots of stories of Hollywood stars losing their fortunes only to regain greater ones (Will Smith comes to mind immediately), but you can never regain time. The years eaten by temporary relationship are wasted years. God is certainly redemptive, but something is lost (your teens, twenties, thirties…), that you can never get back [4].
Today, we settle for non-committed, open-ended relationships, where we give all or almost all emotionally and/or physically, only to break up and have nothing to show for it in the end. We tell ourselves that we learned stuff, but in the end, we’ve gone through a mini-divorce, from which it takes even more time to recover.
Bomb #2: Therefore, do not date until you’re ready to get married! By ready, I mean mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even financially.
Mentally and Emotionally Ready: Are you ready to think about someone else? To put his or her needs above your own? Men, are you ready to be the leader in your household? To gain and retain the respect of your wife and children? Women, are you ready to yield to your husband – and even submit at times? Are you ready to do what is best for your family, even if it means getting out of your comfort zone and dying to yourself?
Spiritually Ready: Do you have a living, active relationship with God, where you can hear His voice and receive His guidance? You’ll need it! Men, are you ready to lead your family spiritually – to take the initiative to find a church, lead your family in prayer and Bible study, keep your own relationship with God vibrant and growing? Women, do you realize that only God can meet your deepest needs? Do you know how to access His presence?
Financially Ready: Can you support yourselves without working around the clock? I do not know how marriages survive when husbands and wives work opposite shifts and have different days off. I’m sure this can work, but it is not the best – long term. Can you control your spending? Are you in agreement about debt, savings and giving? Men, if your wife gets pregnant before you plan, can you support the family without her paycheck? If not, are you willing to do what it takes to do so – even get a second job?
My husband was raised to believe that a man should buy a house before he got married. And so, the week after we returned from our honeymoon, I moved into the house he had purchased four months previous. I don’t think that’s a rule for everyone. But I certainly appreciate the principle of provision behind it!
Bomb #3: Most things that you need to know about a person, you can discover in the context of a friendship. A week before my husband started to pursue me, God had instructed me not to date for six months. I had come out of a series of relationships that looked hauntingly similar. I had chosen the same kinds of men and made the same kinds of mistakes in all three cases. After the third, I said to the Lord, “I don’t EVER want to go through that again! I’d rather never marry than experience that kind of heart ache again.” After praying with some friends, I felt like the Lord wanted to lead me on a journey of healing: discovering His love, provision and protection in a more tangible way. He wanted to truly be the Lover of my Soul and teach me to find satisfaction and fulfillment in Him. THEN, I would be in a healthier place to choose the right man. He also asked me to make a list of things to look for in a man and told me not to ever settle for anything less. I wound up with a list of 18 character traits to wait for unequivocally.
So, when my husband asked me out for coffee, I agreed, but told him half way through our time together, “I’d like to be friends, but God told me not to date…. for six months.” His response? “Ok, I’ll wait.”
Over the next six months we did indeed build a friendship. There was no romance: no kissing, no expensive dinners, no gifts, no physical contact, no romantic words – nothing but a platonic, friendship with plenty of boundaries. I proceeded to spend Friday nights and Saturdays with the Lord, reading, journaling, walking. Getting healed. We purposed NOT to communicate everyday so that we wouldn’t become distracted or obsessive about the relationship. He respected what God was doing in my life and what God wanted to do in His life. He had only recently gotten saved and he knew he needed to grow spiritually if ever wanted to marry me and be the spiritual leader in our home.
And guess what I was also doing during those six months? Checking off my list. Each time we interacted, God showed me one of those 18 qualities and then when my list was finished he showed me that Marvin possessed above and beyond what I asked for or imagined. Scriptures confirmed it, friends confirmed it, my heart confirmed it. After six months, I knew what I needed to know. We dated for a month, got engaged and then married four months later. SUDDENLY GOD!
Now, I know everyone’s story is different; there are no molds, no formulae, no set patterns. But there are some principles that were helpful and I believe can help others: Our friendship was crucial. But that didn’t happen naturally. (We had to set boundaries like not communicating everyday and keeping romance out until we knew God’s plan.) We deliberately withheld time and affection so that hearts were not given away prematurely. It took God, the accountability of friends, and good old-fashioned self-control to build a friendship, which was the cornerstone of our relationship. Any Godly relationship will require the same.
I want to end with two stories of courtship in Scripture:
Gen 24:67 Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent; and he took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.
Gen 29: 9-11, 18-20 Now while he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess. And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother. Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept…Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, "I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter." And Laban said, "It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to another man. Stay with me." So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her.
The first story is that of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac and his father realized it was time for Isaac to marry. So Abraham sent a servant to find a wife for his son. The servant, by divine wisdom, looked for and found certain character traits in Rebekah (for example, she had a kind, servant’s heart). This was quickly confirmed, for as soon as Isaac saw her, he knew she was the One and married her without hesitation.
The second is of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob, too, knew he wanted Rachel the moment he saw her, but he was required by Rachel’s father to wait 7 years for her. He submitted to Laban’s wishes and put his personal gratification on hold and waited patiently for her.
We can see a few key principles in these stories:
• Isaac knew when it was time to get married and he (and his father) did what it took to FIND a wife. He felt the need both physically and emotionally. Remember, there is only ONE righteous way to fulfill sexual needs and desires: through Godly marriage. It is better to marry than to burn with passion (I Cor 7:9)! Today, too many men and women find sexual gratification outside of marriage and this makes men in particular very casual about finding a wife. The sex drive is supposed to help propel men and women to grow up and get serious about getting married.
• He (via his servant) had certain good, reasonable criteria for a spouse and he didn’t settle for second best.
• Once he found her, he took decisive action.
• Jacob was also decisive but he was willing to wait for Rachel in order to do the right thing. In this way, he proved his love for her again and again.
• Their courtship happened in the context of family. His access to her physically and emotionally was limited and guarded [5].
Here are some other points:
Isaac FOUND a wife. I believe that the man’s job is to do the finding, pursuing, convincing. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord (Prov. 18:22). Women should pray for God to bring His best and prepare themselves for marriage (physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially), but I believe pursuing is good for a man and waiting is good for a woman. It instills in each some very important character traits. NOTE that Isaac did not seek a sexual partner, a fun companion or a date for Friday night, he sought a WIFE and in her, he found all of those things plus more!
Second, it’s important for Christians to have standards beyond just finding another Christian. Friends and family will help us to know if our standards are unreasonable, but too many Christians settle for a man or woman who goes to church on Sunday and avoids blatant sin. A good marriage takes a whole lot more than that!
Once we know we have met the right one, it is good to make our intentions known and not string another along for years of dating and confusion. Some couples will need to wait to graduate or find a job to marry, but otherwise, there is usually no reason for a courtship to last longer than a year.
In today’s world, most single adults live apart from their parents, so Jacob’s courtship of Rachel at her family’s home is hard to translate into a modern context. However, the principle is simply this: don’t date in isolation. Do things in groups, where close, discerning friends and/or family can “check him/her out” and confirm his/her character. Limit your time alone, especially while you’re seeking God’s will. Significant time alone and romance will only make God’s plan harder to discern.
You may believe that experience is the best teacher. Actually, the original saying is this: “Experience is a costly teacher; a fool learns by no other way.” Some of you reading this will choose to date the modern way – for fun - and learn the truth the hard way. But my hope is that some of you will learn from my experiences and mistakes and spare yourselves months or years of heartache. Be a wise man or woman and don’t have a stubborn heart. It is better to be alone on Friday night, while waiting for God’s best, than to be heartbroken on Saturday, kicking yourself for wasting your time and squandering your gifts and talents on a company which has no intention of hiring.
References:
1. Maken, Debbie, Getting Serious About Getting Married; Crossway Books, 2006. 148-149.
2. Ibid. 149
3. Ibid. 150
4. Ibid 152
5. Ibid 159
This went on for six months.
Six months later, Jessica went back for her twenty-fifth interview, tired, discouraged, but managing to keep a modicum of hope alive. Over the past six months, Jessica had written a lot of software, did some significant trouble shooting and became privy to many of the companies internal issues. She had also been wined and dined by the president, office manager and several employees. They all had nothing but good to say about her, but they also never offered her the job. At the end of that day, Mr. Jones took her out to the nicest restaurant ever, and at meal’s end, he got up and he shook her hand and said, “Thank you so much for these last six months, Jessica. They’ve been very fruitful and we’ve enjoyed getting to know you. But I don’t think you’re the right person for the job. Have a nice day.” And with that, he walked out of the restaurant and out of her life forever.
Six months of interviews and nothing to show for it! The company had gotten some nice perks, but she was left empty handed. She consoled herself that she had learned a lot and had even made some new friends. And after a few weeks of mourning, she started her job search once again.
Soon, she got called for an interview at a very promising company. She wondered why this company had been interviewing for years and still hadn’t hired anyone for the position, but she chose hope, bought another new suit and walked forth with regained confidence.
If that story really happened, most of us would think Jessica a fool. How could she let herself be strung along and used for six months, giving her expertise to the company and receiving nothing in return? The company benefited, but she did not. And yet, that’s what modern dating looks like – and intelligent, capable men and women succumb to this system everyday.
We comfort ourselves saying, “Well, I learned a lot.” Or, “Well, we can still be friends…” But really, we’re just trying to make ourselves feel better for wasting months – or years – of our lives.
There is a better way.
The truth is, men and women who go through these cycles of relationships again and again become hard. There’s an innocence, a passion and a joy that is lost as hearts are repeatedly given away, used and broken.
We are forced to become more and more detached in order to survive. We’re told not to put too much of an emotional investment in new boyfriends or girlfriends – which inherently denies who we are (i.e. relational). Then a layer of emotional residue clouds our true selves and makes it all the harder for the next person to really find out who we are [1].
Believing that we can successfully guard our hearts from hurt through a maze of dating relationships is like believing that seat belts save lives in airplane crashes. Telling people to go through relationship after relationship and suppress their emotions is like telling someone to eat without taste buds. It is inherently impossible [2].
This is NOT WHAT GOD INTENDED for his sons and daughters!
Now, I’m going to drop a few bombs and here’s Bomb # 1:
Dating is a serious adult activity with a specific goal in mind: marriage [3]. Like the interview – the goal is to discover if you like the candidate or if you like the company and then get the job! The goal IS NOT to give or receive perks with no long-term intention of hiring.
In the past, it was shameful for a man to take a woman out more than 4-5 times and have no intention of marrying her.
The book of Proverbs talks a lot about the dangers of squandering one’s wealth. Well, the truth is, if you do squander it, chances are, you can get it back. There are lots of stories of Hollywood stars losing their fortunes only to regain greater ones (Will Smith comes to mind immediately), but you can never regain time. The years eaten by temporary relationship are wasted years. God is certainly redemptive, but something is lost (your teens, twenties, thirties…), that you can never get back [4].
Today, we settle for non-committed, open-ended relationships, where we give all or almost all emotionally and/or physically, only to break up and have nothing to show for it in the end. We tell ourselves that we learned stuff, but in the end, we’ve gone through a mini-divorce, from which it takes even more time to recover.
Bomb #2: Therefore, do not date until you’re ready to get married! By ready, I mean mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even financially.
Mentally and Emotionally Ready: Are you ready to think about someone else? To put his or her needs above your own? Men, are you ready to be the leader in your household? To gain and retain the respect of your wife and children? Women, are you ready to yield to your husband – and even submit at times? Are you ready to do what is best for your family, even if it means getting out of your comfort zone and dying to yourself?
Spiritually Ready: Do you have a living, active relationship with God, where you can hear His voice and receive His guidance? You’ll need it! Men, are you ready to lead your family spiritually – to take the initiative to find a church, lead your family in prayer and Bible study, keep your own relationship with God vibrant and growing? Women, do you realize that only God can meet your deepest needs? Do you know how to access His presence?
Financially Ready: Can you support yourselves without working around the clock? I do not know how marriages survive when husbands and wives work opposite shifts and have different days off. I’m sure this can work, but it is not the best – long term. Can you control your spending? Are you in agreement about debt, savings and giving? Men, if your wife gets pregnant before you plan, can you support the family without her paycheck? If not, are you willing to do what it takes to do so – even get a second job?
My husband was raised to believe that a man should buy a house before he got married. And so, the week after we returned from our honeymoon, I moved into the house he had purchased four months previous. I don’t think that’s a rule for everyone. But I certainly appreciate the principle of provision behind it!
Bomb #3: Most things that you need to know about a person, you can discover in the context of a friendship. A week before my husband started to pursue me, God had instructed me not to date for six months. I had come out of a series of relationships that looked hauntingly similar. I had chosen the same kinds of men and made the same kinds of mistakes in all three cases. After the third, I said to the Lord, “I don’t EVER want to go through that again! I’d rather never marry than experience that kind of heart ache again.” After praying with some friends, I felt like the Lord wanted to lead me on a journey of healing: discovering His love, provision and protection in a more tangible way. He wanted to truly be the Lover of my Soul and teach me to find satisfaction and fulfillment in Him. THEN, I would be in a healthier place to choose the right man. He also asked me to make a list of things to look for in a man and told me not to ever settle for anything less. I wound up with a list of 18 character traits to wait for unequivocally.
So, when my husband asked me out for coffee, I agreed, but told him half way through our time together, “I’d like to be friends, but God told me not to date…. for six months.” His response? “Ok, I’ll wait.”
Over the next six months we did indeed build a friendship. There was no romance: no kissing, no expensive dinners, no gifts, no physical contact, no romantic words – nothing but a platonic, friendship with plenty of boundaries. I proceeded to spend Friday nights and Saturdays with the Lord, reading, journaling, walking. Getting healed. We purposed NOT to communicate everyday so that we wouldn’t become distracted or obsessive about the relationship. He respected what God was doing in my life and what God wanted to do in His life. He had only recently gotten saved and he knew he needed to grow spiritually if ever wanted to marry me and be the spiritual leader in our home.
And guess what I was also doing during those six months? Checking off my list. Each time we interacted, God showed me one of those 18 qualities and then when my list was finished he showed me that Marvin possessed above and beyond what I asked for or imagined. Scriptures confirmed it, friends confirmed it, my heart confirmed it. After six months, I knew what I needed to know. We dated for a month, got engaged and then married four months later. SUDDENLY GOD!
Now, I know everyone’s story is different; there are no molds, no formulae, no set patterns. But there are some principles that were helpful and I believe can help others: Our friendship was crucial. But that didn’t happen naturally. (We had to set boundaries like not communicating everyday and keeping romance out until we knew God’s plan.) We deliberately withheld time and affection so that hearts were not given away prematurely. It took God, the accountability of friends, and good old-fashioned self-control to build a friendship, which was the cornerstone of our relationship. Any Godly relationship will require the same.
I want to end with two stories of courtship in Scripture:
Gen 24:67 Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent; and he took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.
Gen 29: 9-11, 18-20 Now while he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess. And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother. Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept…Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, "I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter." And Laban said, "It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to another man. Stay with me." So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her.
The first story is that of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac and his father realized it was time for Isaac to marry. So Abraham sent a servant to find a wife for his son. The servant, by divine wisdom, looked for and found certain character traits in Rebekah (for example, she had a kind, servant’s heart). This was quickly confirmed, for as soon as Isaac saw her, he knew she was the One and married her without hesitation.
The second is of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob, too, knew he wanted Rachel the moment he saw her, but he was required by Rachel’s father to wait 7 years for her. He submitted to Laban’s wishes and put his personal gratification on hold and waited patiently for her.
We can see a few key principles in these stories:
• Isaac knew when it was time to get married and he (and his father) did what it took to FIND a wife. He felt the need both physically and emotionally. Remember, there is only ONE righteous way to fulfill sexual needs and desires: through Godly marriage. It is better to marry than to burn with passion (I Cor 7:9)! Today, too many men and women find sexual gratification outside of marriage and this makes men in particular very casual about finding a wife. The sex drive is supposed to help propel men and women to grow up and get serious about getting married.
• He (via his servant) had certain good, reasonable criteria for a spouse and he didn’t settle for second best.
• Once he found her, he took decisive action.
• Jacob was also decisive but he was willing to wait for Rachel in order to do the right thing. In this way, he proved his love for her again and again.
• Their courtship happened in the context of family. His access to her physically and emotionally was limited and guarded [5].
Here are some other points:
Isaac FOUND a wife. I believe that the man’s job is to do the finding, pursuing, convincing. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord (Prov. 18:22). Women should pray for God to bring His best and prepare themselves for marriage (physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially), but I believe pursuing is good for a man and waiting is good for a woman. It instills in each some very important character traits. NOTE that Isaac did not seek a sexual partner, a fun companion or a date for Friday night, he sought a WIFE and in her, he found all of those things plus more!
Second, it’s important for Christians to have standards beyond just finding another Christian. Friends and family will help us to know if our standards are unreasonable, but too many Christians settle for a man or woman who goes to church on Sunday and avoids blatant sin. A good marriage takes a whole lot more than that!
Once we know we have met the right one, it is good to make our intentions known and not string another along for years of dating and confusion. Some couples will need to wait to graduate or find a job to marry, but otherwise, there is usually no reason for a courtship to last longer than a year.
In today’s world, most single adults live apart from their parents, so Jacob’s courtship of Rachel at her family’s home is hard to translate into a modern context. However, the principle is simply this: don’t date in isolation. Do things in groups, where close, discerning friends and/or family can “check him/her out” and confirm his/her character. Limit your time alone, especially while you’re seeking God’s will. Significant time alone and romance will only make God’s plan harder to discern.
You may believe that experience is the best teacher. Actually, the original saying is this: “Experience is a costly teacher; a fool learns by no other way.” Some of you reading this will choose to date the modern way – for fun - and learn the truth the hard way. But my hope is that some of you will learn from my experiences and mistakes and spare yourselves months or years of heartache. Be a wise man or woman and don’t have a stubborn heart. It is better to be alone on Friday night, while waiting for God’s best, than to be heartbroken on Saturday, kicking yourself for wasting your time and squandering your gifts and talents on a company which has no intention of hiring.
References:
1. Maken, Debbie, Getting Serious About Getting Married; Crossway Books, 2006. 148-149.
2. Ibid. 149
3. Ibid. 150
4. Ibid 152
5. Ibid 159
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